March 23, 2013

now what?

It's hot and sticky on this Thursday afternoon, the heat blares down on you and you're instantly glistening with sweat on your hair line. Stop walking for too long and the heat catches up to you and you have to duck into a 7-11 to cool down in the AC and buy a cold drink. It would almost be a glamorous day, hopping the skytrain, dressed to impress, heading to interviews around the city in tall, impressive buildings, listening to my favorite tunes along the way. Some shopping and lunch in between meetings makes me feel like this small town girl has really made it in the big city.

Until I realize I have no money to buy anything, just barely a Subway sandwich. Yes, it would almost be glamorous except I am just a sweaty, tall, blonde mess with hair sticking out everywhere and a little mustard on my skirt from eating my sandwich on the steps of a mall.

It does sort of take your breath away when you ride into the city from the far out "extension" line to soaring, shiny skyscrapers, with huge ads and brilliant gold domes. Bangkok is like no other city I have been in and I can't imagine many cities are like it, it is a contraction within itself, a beast with it's own heart. Do I love it here? Hell no. Do I hate it? Hate is a strong word. It is hard to figure out the madness here but maybe once you do, it becomes all worth it. We all just want to feel apart of something bigger don't we?

The life of an English teacher has taken me down a strange path. I have worked in various places now and know what I want and what I am looking for. I am very hirable with my experience (and white skin) and can get what I want if I just have patience and perseverance. That, at least, is the motto I say into the mirror when I wake up to an empty inbox every morning. I am not sure if Thailand is the place for me, I am not sure if I even have a place anymore or if I need to find it. It is time for another big life decision, though really all my decisions seem to be as far sighted as the US congress's postponement of the inevitable.

I have not worked since December, had an amazing whirlwind trip back in America, and now spend my days hiding from the sun, sweating like mad when I do go out, showering and again returning to our climate controlled place in the world we call home these days, searching the internet for different ventures but getting distracted scrolling through the wanted ads on craigslist. No matter how nice my cardigan sweater looks, my red, glowing face streaked with eyeshadow gives me straight away. Sure I'll slap on a smile and tell  you how much I love kids (I really do!) but really at the end of the day I am just trying to find a way to get from day to day, to finance this mid-20's crisis I seem to going through to figure out where I want to come out in the end.

But, now what?

1 comment:

  1. are you heart set on a BKK job? I'm leaving a great teaching gig in a magical village in the Isan (for which I'm seeking a replacement - by the by), and have found so many rad openings in more mellow areas that start in May and June.


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